Tour de Draftee Stop #9: USA Advances

Tour de Draftee Stop #9: USA Advances

QIC: Draftee

Date: 06-20-2026

PAX: Paparazzi (WD), Drip, Zima, Crash, Tonka (WB), Dr. Toot, Subfloor, LockJaw, and Draftee

The Thang

With Team USA advancing to the knockout stage, the Tour arrived at Alcatraz.

Part 1 – Group Stage

EMOM

45 sec work / 15 sec rest

Four rounds:

🇺🇸 USA

• Merkins

🇧🇷 Brazil

• Squats

🇦🇷 Argentina

• Big Boys

🇩🇪 Germany

• Mountain Climbers

🇫🇷 France

• Lunges

Part 2 – Knockout Round

Shirts versus skins.

Paparazzi, Zima, Draftee, & Crash vs Drip, Tonka, Subfloor, & LockJaw.

Dr. Toot served as the official referee and deputy on shift.

Goal = Pain.

When a team scored, the opposing team performed:

• 5 Burpees
• 10 Squats
• 15 SSH

Every three minutes, the referee blew the whistle and both teams performed:

• 10 Merkins
• 10 Burpees

Play then resumed.

Championship Ceremony

The winning team selected Mary.

The Story

The final score was 6 or 7 to 1.

That’s right.

YHC’s team was determined not to be shut out.

Drip led his team to victory with his superior picking ability. It was simply impossible to get to the backfield with him hovering around like a dog waiting for his dinner.

There were several questionable goals scored by Tonka. Some may have been a bit too high and gone over the imaginary goal.

Not everyone is that tall, sir.

As expected, there were several questionable calls by Dr. Toot.

Zima voiced the strongest objections throughout the morning. But hey, when you’re down this many goals, who is really afraid of a red card?

Most exercises were modified.

The most strenuous modification came from LockJaw, who stood perfectly upright with his hands on his hips.

It was noted by YHC that he might want to consider a different exercise next round so as not to fatigue his hips from supporting his hands.

Don’t sleep on Subfloor.

This HIM knows how to shuffle his feet like the striker from Kekistan.

He made his country proud.

Speaking of sleeping, at one point YHC spent an excessive amount of time on the ground faking an injury. The performance was convincing enough that Dr. Toot called an injury timeout to check for a pulse.

Paparazzi played with reckless abandon all morning, constantly pressing the defense and keeping them honest.

Crash apparently thought we were playing volleyball with the number of handballs he committed.

None of them were seen by the ref, so play continued.

Which raises an interesting question:

Is it really a handball if no one sees it?

In the end, the winning team selected Mary.

Tonka led things off with Merkins.

YHC wasn’t entirely sure how Merkins qualified as a Mary exercise.

Tonka quickly explained that in American soccer, we are known for our superior arms, not our speed, soccer IQ, or abs.

Makes sense to me.

Tour Update

No FNGs posted.

The mission remains unchanged:

Show up. Lift your brother up. Bring an FNG.

Next Stop

Flat Line.

SYITG.

— Draftee