The 12 Pains of Christmas, Presented by The Grinch (2025)
QIC: Zima
Date: 12/2/25
PAX: Zephyr, Starfish, Spicoli, Rollback, Mutton, Lamb Chop, Greenspan, Zima
The Grinch is the GOAT. He remains undefeated. None of the BSDs dethroned him this year. But there were a few valiant efforts and so onward we go. Although it was a little early for a holiday-themed beatdown, the PAX rolled with it while the Q grabbed his years old cardboard and dusted off his worn out holiday mix. We moved to the parking deck which allowed the PAX to avoid the rain, but added some minor degrees of moseying difficulty in elevation and the inability to cut the parking lot corners (sort of).
BEATDOWN.
The Grinch doesn’t do things the normal Christmas-y way, so we’re going to reverse that holly jolly song. In The 12 Pains of Christmas, the order is: 12, then 12 + 11, the 12 + 11 + 10 etc. Here are the exercises.
12: Hundred Feet of Sleigh Riding [Mosey]
11: Christmas Present Cutters [Box Cutters]
10: Diamond Earring Burpees [You know, diamond earrings. The gift you’re “supposed” to get your wife.]
9: Hillbilly Toy Soldier Squats
8: Shoulder Tap Merry Mike Tysons [Merry is the word that comes to mind when you think of him, right?]
7: Dreidel Squats [Ratchet Squats – DC]
6: Rudolphs [Red Nose Tap Hand Release Merkins] Note: If anyone can figure out how to tap your nose without releasing your hands, I’d like to know. Wait, on second thought, DON’T tell me. Nevermind.
5: Grinch Getups [Prisoner Getups]
4: Rooftop Hopping Dominick the Christmas Donkey Kicks [Donkey Kicks with a Stand Up Side-to-Side Jump]
3: Super “North” Stars [Mary Katherines – DC]
2: Plank Jack “Frost” WMDs
1: Hundred Christmas Truces [WWIs]
DONE.
MUSIC SELECTION
- Same beatdown = same playlist.
NMM:
- The Grinch is still sitting pretty, high up in his mountain lair, scoffing at the silly humans trying to best him. “One day, Grinch. One day!”
- The mosey was probably about 1,200 feet, but admittedly I have no idea. Whatever is in the lowest-bid construction material used for the parking deck really screwed with the flux capacitor in my watch. Elon’s satellites gave me a different telemetry reading for each lap so maybe we moseyed all the way to the North Pole and back. Who knows?
- Rollback is on the sauce, man. That dude crushed the workout. Not only was he a rookie reindeer, but I’m pretty sure he lapped YHC around round #4.
- The H.O.G., I mean Lamb Chop (nothing but love), flew through the beatdown determined to conquer it. After having the wisdom of previous attempts, he did everything in his power to prevail. He came close, but couldn’t take down the furry green freak. For his valiant efforts, Santa may even bring him some new gardening gloves, at least a new roll of duct tape. Or is the supply closet full of duct tape part of the employee perks at Sutton Bros, Inc?
- Spicoli, the only other perfect attendance award winner, used the power of the magic headband to defy time and appear out of nowhere during the early rounds. He then proceeded to catch and pass most of the PAX. Just imagine what could have been had he started when the Go button was officially pressed.
- For another rookie, Zephyr didn’t seem fazed by beatdown. The dude didn’t complain. He used perfect form, dominated the exercises, and was near the leaders the entire time. The harder the workout, the more he seems to enjoy it. Greenspan, can you give him the name of your head doctor?
- Speaking of Greeny, he’s a tough SOB. He’s done the workout before, multiple times, and keeps coming back for more. He’s like a fine wine; better with age. He’s fast, strong, and a hunk. What’s not to love?
- Mutton’s performance was intriguing. I was too busy suffering to really pay attention to what most people were doing, but I often noticed Mutton performing strange movements. I flipped the cardboard over a couple of times in confusion searching for those exercises, but I’m not sure what the heck he was doing. Whatever it was though, he was working hard. Oh, he also had to leave early. I presume it was to fix the HVAC system at the North Pole though because, you know, global warming.
- Note to self: Offer Starfish respite from the rain and he’ll post. Check. As the founding member of the Elf Guild, he used his aerodynamic fun size to speed through the exercises. Not having to worry about the time spent on extending limbs like those long-legged freaks, he saved valuable seconds with his efficient movements.
- This joke will never not be funny … Lamb Chop’s wife must be a very lucky lady judging by the size of his diamond merkins.
- I’m not sure that even if Rollback wore his vest today any of us could have kept up with him. He desperately wanted to take down The Grinch.
- Mutton talks too much during a workout.
- I want to say that Zephyr subscribed to Form Over Speed, but honestly he employed Form AND speed. Incredible. Oh, Lamb Chop was there.
- Do not ask Spicoli and his questionable comprehension to be on the marketing team for the Mistletoe.
- As for YHC, I was in the middle of the pack – pulled by some, pushed by others. After 4 minutes in, I realized there was no way I was going to finish so I resigned my ego to challenging myself while being satisfied with my performance. That may or may not have been accomplished, but enjoying the fellowship definitely was. Sure, watching Season 5 of Stranger Things at 5:00 in the morning in the basement while lifting dumbbells is fine, but it doesn’t compare to the camaraderie gained by conquering hard things with other guys at a time when the rest of society is snuggled in their fluffy fartsacks. #ISI
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- Christmas party next Friday at the Gas Hill Drinking Room / Ramkat.
- Krampus has Urban Assault this Friday. It’s Spicoli-themed so I guess that means to show up whenever you want.
- GreeNest this Saturday. Talk to Starfish.
- Good luck to all of the Mistletoe running dummies.
PRAYERS:
- We are all thankful for this brotherhood. What other dumb lot of men would do such idiot things in a disgusting parking garage in close-to-freezing temperatures at oh-gloom-thirty?
- The size of Lamb Chop’s son’s features.
REINDEER STATS
Seniors: Spicoli, Zima
Juniors: Van Gogh, Lamb Chop
Sophomores: Drip, Root Canal, Madoff, Cruiser, Bevo, Wobegon, Greenspan, Mutton
Freshmen: Turnover, Huckleberry, Chick Flick, Rubber Ducky, Workbench, Cherry Pie, Burns, Zephyr, Starfish, Rollback, Doublewide, Wooly Bugger, Crash, Palin
Zima Out
